Empathy Skills building

A vital skill to strengthening relationships is empathy skills building or listening for understanding. There are 4 qualities of empathy: perspective taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotion in other people and communicating that emotion. Use this template to identify what works and what doesn’t!

1.To begin, one spouse either picks some emotions they’re feeling that are relevant OR shares emotion from an issue they are having
2.Their partner learns more about how they’re feeling by picking one of their emotions and asks to hear more about it following these guidelines:

• Think about what they are feeling and why (identify more than one emotion)
• You may need to ask them to specifically identify emotions by following this format: “I feel ______________ when ____________” (they can use the emotion wheel)

3.When your spouse is finished, restate, in your own words, how you think they feel and ask them if you understand them. FOCUS ON EMOTION WORDS! Use something like “What I hear you saying you feel is _____ when ______” or “It sounds like you’re feeling _____ when _____” or “Are you feeling ______?”

• DO NOT problem solve, fix it, or give advice – stay out of judgment!
• You do not need to agree to understand and have empathy! They don’t have to feel what you would in the same situation
• You’re not done until THEY feel completely understood, not just part way. If they don’t feel completely understood, go back to step 2

4.Once they feel understood, share how you feel about their pain – how it makes you feel that they feel that way.  Then share what you want for them and why.
5.Problem solve ONLY IF NECESSARY, with their permission! Do not problem solve before this step.
 
Then switch roles and start over with the other spouse. Do this at least 4-5 times weekly, setting time aside so you are not interrupted. Make sure you are touching while you have this conversation (non-sexual)
 
REMEMBER!!!!

• Use this format after fighting or arguing and once both parties are calmed down
• Follow the communication rules below
• If you have to simplify, use “I feel ______________ when ____________” and talk about that.
• Remember, ANGER = HURT, so try to get to the hurt underneath the anger. Hint: it means something negative about themselves (shame). DON’T be distracted or fooled by their reactivity (the dog is biting because it’s in pain!) – it’s teaching you about them if you have the patience and take the time to figure it out. There’s always a story behind what they’re doing!!