Parenting - Overcoming our weaknesses!

What can we really do?
1.Pray for them and for the principles of divine intervention in their life:
a.Soften hearts, strength, raise someone up, lead them away or remove the problem
2.Love them! Take your frustrations to the Lord and your love to your child
3.Set an example and demonstrate the things that are important (modeling)
4.Set boundaries (what YOU’RE going to do) and follow through on consequences, up to and including letting them go when necessary
a.ACT model of limit setting
i.Acknowledge the feeling
ii.Communicate the limit
iii.Target the alternative
5.Teach them (to their willingness to be taught)
6.Have more positive interactions than negative!
 
Parenting principles:

• Understand there are two separate programs – love and trust
• Parenting is letting go – transferring responsibility for their life onto them as they demonstrate the ability and willingness to accept it
• Be willing to work hard and to suffer in order to do well as a parent
• Regulate your own emotions! Go from physical or emotional reactivity to rational and loving responses
• Spend time with your children
• Be consistent!
• Remain hopeful – you’re only one player on the team and their story ends well! Some will only learn by the things that they suffer and that’s okay. Finding meaning in suffering is the purpose of life!
• Teach that self-worth is 100% and independent of what they do (we’re human beings, not human doings). Differentiate between consequences of choices and punishment for being bad and remind them often of who they are
• Reward effort, not if something is “good” or not
• The loving thing to do is always the responsible thing
• You’ll never carry out the Lord’s program in the devil’s way. How you teach responsibility is just as important as teaching responsibility!
• Don’t be held hostage by their lost opportunities, maintain your boundaries
• Trust = be where you say you’re going to be, doing what you say you’re going to be doing, and it’s earned, not given out of love (two separate programs)
• Don’t expect what you’re unwilling to inspect (reward follows, doesn’t come before out of ease for you)
• Let the natural consequences take effect (don’t keep them from the full effects of their choices)
  • Age appropriate, according to the offense (bounce the idea off someone else)
• Invite and encourage vs. force and coercion
• Differentiate between fair (what’s appropriate) and equal (the same)
• You need a parenting program for each child – one size does not fit all!
• Ignore (extinction) age-typical behavior that’s not hurting them, others, or property and reinforce positive behavior often (catch them doing well)

Talking to children and dealing with pornography

• When it comes to pornography, follow these principles:
  • Nurture a trusting, close relationship with your child! Less criticism and more love and acceptance. This is the foundation and cannot be substituted.
  • Start the discussions early and have them fairly often and in everyday opportunities.
  • Identify what pornography is (bad pictures with little or no clothes) and teach these steps when they see bad pictures:
    • Call it what it is – “That’s a bad picture!”
    • Turn it off or turn away
    • Talk to parents or a trusted adult
    • Give themselves a high-five for a good job
    • Prepare them and role play possible scenarios and what to do.
  • Tell it like it is. It is important to call things as they are and explain words and phrases in age-appropriate ways. Talk about babies and procreation in this context.
  • Talk to girls too. Girls and boys are both curious and pornography is a problem for both.
  • Normalize their curiosity. Don’t make them to feel badly for having interest in it.
  • Ask them what they think they should do as opposed to telling them.
  • Teach them their worth and the power of the Atonement to feel better. It is important to understand that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help them to heal and feel clean again.
  • Monitor and have rules around internet use and devices
• If a habit develops, children and teenagers often turn to pornography out of an inability to productively cope with negative emotions. Parents should teach children that both good and bad emotions are normal and it is okay to experience negative feelings such as sadness, anger, frustration, or hurt. Understand that seeing porn or bad pictures creates a sick feeling – and you want to be there and support them in this feeling, just as if they are physically sick. This is an opportunity to teach them who they are, not show disgust for what they’ve done.
• Take these opportunities to teach your children about good and bad touch and who can touch them in their private areas (those areas covered by underwear). Also, what do they do if this happens? Books on this include Your Body Belongs to You (Cornelia Spelman) and Do You Have a Secret? (Jennifer Moore-Mallinos).

 
What not to do if you learn your child is looking at porn:

• Overact! It’s not the end of the world and is actually necessary for growth.
• Diminish their worth by associating their attitudes or behavior with who they are
• Fail to consistently follow-up and talk about how they’re doing, including getting professional help if necessary.

 
Additional resources include:

• Kristen Jensen’s book Good Pictures/Bad Pictures is a great resource for

parents to read to children in the 6-8 age range.

• www.educateempowerkids.org also has some great resources for talking to children about porn/ human sexuality as they age
• www.protectyoungeyes.com has updated reviews of various apps so that parents can be informed about what apps are on their children’s devices.
• www.fightthenewdrug.org has wonderful articles about the harmful effects of porn. This site is more appropriate for teenage children.